view in Inglish
view in Tobee Speek
Tobee Rewellz!
Tah da citizens ov da Younighted Ztatez ov America frum Er Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light ov yur failure in recent years tah nominate competent candidates foah President ov da USA and thus tah govern yourselves, wee hereby give notice ov da revocation ov yur indeepindance, effective immediately.
(Yew shud luk upe 'revocation' in da Oxford Inglish Dishunary.)
Er Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II wiyill rezoomay monarchical duties ova awl ztatez, commonwealths and territories (eggzept Kansas, witch zhe duz nutt fancy).
Yur new Pryme Minister, Gordon Brown, wiyill appoint a Governor foah America without da need foah further elections.
Congress and da Senate wiyill be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated nex year tah determine whether any ov yew notissed.
Tah aid in da transition tah a British Crown dependency, da following rewellz r introduced wid immediate effect:
1. Da lettah 'u' wiyill be reinstated in wurds suech az 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, yew wiyill learn tah spel 'doughnut' without skipping haff da letters, and da suffix '-ize' wiyill be replaced by da suffix '-ise.' Generally, yew wiyill be expected tah raise yur vocabulary tah acceptable levels. (luk upe 'vocabulary').
2. Uzin da saym twenny-seven wurds interspersed wid filler noises suech az 'like' and 'you know' iz an unacceptable and inefficient form ov communication. Theah iz no suech ding az Yew.S. Inglish. Wee wiyill led Macrosawft kno awn yur behalf. Da Macrosawft spell-checker wiyill be adjusted tah tayk into accoud da reinstated lettah 'u'' and da elimination ov '-ize.'
3. Jewelye 4th wiyill no longer be celebrated az a hawliday.
4. Yew wiyill learn tah resolve personal issues without uzin guns, lawyers, or therapists. Da fact dat yew need zo many lawyers and therapists shooz dat you're nutt quide ready tah be independent. Guns shud onwy be uzed foah shooting grouse. If yew can't sort dings owd without suing someone or speaking tah a therapist, denn you're nutt ready tah shoot grouse.
5. Dare4, yew wiyill no longer be allowed tah own or carry eneedin mowa dangerous dan a vegetable peeler. Aldough a permit wiyill be required if yew wish tah carry a vegetable peeler in publick.
6. Awl intersections wiyill be replaced wid roundabouts, and yew wiyill start drivin awn da left side wid immediate effect. At da saym tyme, yew wiyill goe metric wid immediate effect and without da bennyfit ov conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication wiyill elp yew understand da British sense ov humour.
7. Da former USA wiyill adopt UK prices awn petrol (witch yew hav bin calling gasoline) ov roughly $10/US gallon. Getz uzed tah id.
8. Yew wiyill learn tah make real chips. Doz dings yew kawl French fries r nutt real chips, and doz dings yew insist awn calling potato chips r properly cawld crisps. Real chips r thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed nutt wid catsup butz wid vinegar.
9. Da cold, tasteless stufe yew insist awn calling beeyah iz nutt actually beeyah at awl. Henceforth, onwy proppah British Bitter wiyill be referred tah az beeyah, and European brews ov nown and accepted provenance wiyill be referred tah az Lager. Soud African beeyah iz alzo acceptable, az dey r pound foah pound da greatest sporting nation awn earth and id cayne onwy be dew tah da beeyah. Dey r alzo paht ov da British Commonwealth - zee wat id did foah dem. American brands wiyill be referred tah az Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, zo dat awl cayne be sold without risk ov further convoozshun.
10. Hollywood wiyill be required occasionally tah cast Inglish ayakterz az gud guyz. Hollywood wiyill alzo be required tah cast Inglish ayaktewrz tah plahay Inglish charucters. Watching Andie Macdowell atemped Inglish dialogue in Faw Weddings and a Funeral wuz an expeerienz akin tah having one's ears removed wid a cheese grater.
11. Yew wiyill ceeze playin American football. Theah iz onwy wun kynde ov proppah football; yew kawl id soccer. Doz ov yew brave enuff wiyill, in tyme, be allowed tah plahay rugby (witch haz summ similairiteez tah American football, butz duz nutt involve stopping foah a rest eweree twenny seconds or wearing full kevlar body armer lyke a bunch ov nancies).
12. Further, yew wiyill stop playin bazebawl. Id iz nutt reezonabull tah host an event cawld da World Series foah a gayme witch iz nutt played owdzide ov America. Zins onwy 2.1% ov yew r awayah theah iz a world beyond yur borders, yur error iz understandable. Yew wiyill learn cricket, and wee wiyill led yew face da Soud Africans fuhst tah tayk da sting owd ov their dalivereez.
13. Yew must teyell us hoo killed JFK. It's bin drivin us mad.
14. An intahnal revenue agent (ize.e. tax kollectur) frum Er Majesty's Government wiyill be wid yew shortly tah ensure da aquizishun ov awl monies dew (backdated tah 1776).
15. Daily Tea Tyme begins promptly at 4 p.m. wid proppah cups, wid saucers, and nevah mugs, wid high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; pluz strawberries (wid cream) whin in seezun.
Gawd Save da Queen!
PS: Onwy cher dais wid frends hoo hav a gud sense ov humour (NOT humor)!
Translation by Toby Speak Version 2.2k
using the sep08.dic dictionary.
3 comments:
I lyke Queen Elizabuth, but she sure spells funnee. Tankz Max for correctin tings!
T.
My wife's boss, upon viewing this post, remarked ... and I quote ...
"GOD!, shave the queen."
Although slightly dated (as in Tony Blair, not Gordon Brown etc.) the following link will take you to the very same piece (in Inglish, not Toby, sorry) which surfaced in the year 2000 when I worked at Travelers. The original is in black text. The red text is a rejoinder by as I recall my patriotic friend Rick Darrell and the green text is a rebuttal by Carolyn Slack who is British and who posted the original.
http://primepuzzle.com/leesfunnies/revocat.htm
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